I was finishing my last semester of college, doing the student teaching portion of my coursework. One October day, they canceled school because of extremely heavy rains and flooding, which is pretty rare. I was enjoying the unexpected midweek break, probably cleaning the house or something, when my phone rang. The person on the other end asked to speak with Michelle Harrison, and I confirmed that I was she...then I heard words that had never been spoken to me before or since: "I found you through a private detective."
Woah! As my heart was racing, the lady calling explained that she had been chosen by her family as the one who should call me. Her sister-in-law had begun seeing and was planning to marry my ex-husband, and the things he was telling them sounded fishy. He was now going by his real name, and explained that I had a different last name because I changed my name after leaving him...suddenly....as he was at work...as a youth minister at our church...and I disappeared...with our sons! The family was concerned, so they hired a private investigator to verify the stories he was telling.
It was weird, but a relief, to explain the entire story to this lady. It was the first time I'd actually told the story to people who didn't know me, and her concern for her sister-in-law was so apparent that I really wanted to help them try to wake her up and help her avoid the mess I'd plowed right into! The girl's mom was especially frustrated and upset over the situation, and I told her my mom could really commiserate with her if she ever wanted to talk. She got my mom's name and number, and the young lady's mom called my mom a couple of times--I think it was cathartic for both of them.
The young lady did end up marrying 'Tim,' and they eventually ended up divorced, too. My sons found out years down the road that they have two half-sisters, and they've since been in communication, which I think is beneficial for all of them. Their mother and I have also spoken through Facebook, and it's been good for both of us! For the first time, we both could talk to someone who knew exactly what the other had been through. That's one of the motivations for me telling my tale...so that if anyone has been through similar pain and mistakes, they can feel understood and know they're not alone.
"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." 1 Thessalonians 5:11
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Game-Time Decision
I love basketball! One of the phrases that they use in basketball and other sports is "game time decision," meaning they don't really make a firm decision 'til the game starts, like if a player who'd been injured in an earlier game will be well enough to play, for example. The decision to file for divorce was a game-time decision for me, and not one that I took lightly. I was raised with a 'til death do us part' world view, so I was hoping for our marriage to be healed. God can do anything, and I believe He saves marriages...but it helps if both parties are hoping for reconciliation.
As Tim became more and more uninvolved with the boys to some extent and me to a larger extent, I was floundering with what to do. Tim always talked about divorce, but wouldn't do anything about it. I cried a lot. The boys were confused. Then my game-time decision happened....
The local library called me about a book that was overdue and running up a fine. I hadn't checked any books out, so I went by Tim's business to see if he had. He rudely told me he had the book and would take it back when he wanted to...which didn't set well with me, so I charged into where his bed was to get it for myself. He tried to stop me, but I reached the bed first and saw the book....lying by a bag of marijuana. Tim snatched it out of my sight and ordered me out. I grabbed the book and the boys and charged out with fury and tears. I rushed to where my mom worked, the library at a middle school. As we passed by the front office, the ladies wanted to see the boys to gush about how cute they were. I tried to have a smile plastered on my face and let small talk tumble out of my mouth, but as soon as we could get down the hallway to the library, the tears were threatening again. By the time I reached the library, I was bawling, so my mom rushed us to the back room, where I poured out the fury, pain, and frustration at having my husband's dangerous selfishness smack me right in the face. My mom calmly asked what I wanted to do, and for the first time, I declared that for the sake of my kids, I wanted a divorce. She pulled out the phone book and her check book, and we had an appointment with an attorney by day's end.
I still felt guilty about being the one to file, although I knew it was just a waiting game with Tim...he had been waiting for me to be 'the filer,' so that I could be the bad guy. Within a few days, a friend from church confided in my mom, then gave my mom permission to tell me, that she was so relieved I was divorcing Tim--for over a month, he had been dating one of her neighbors, and had even started staying the nights with her. My friend was furious with him and had actually told him off, but she wasn't sure how to let me know. Other instances began happening, where people would share things about Tim's behavior and actions that had been bugging them, but they didn't know how to tell me. I appreciate that they didn't want to feel as if they were gossiping or didn't want to hurt me...but the truth helped me know that I was saving my children from a criminal and a cheater.
As Tim became more and more uninvolved with the boys to some extent and me to a larger extent, I was floundering with what to do. Tim always talked about divorce, but wouldn't do anything about it. I cried a lot. The boys were confused. Then my game-time decision happened....
The local library called me about a book that was overdue and running up a fine. I hadn't checked any books out, so I went by Tim's business to see if he had. He rudely told me he had the book and would take it back when he wanted to...which didn't set well with me, so I charged into where his bed was to get it for myself. He tried to stop me, but I reached the bed first and saw the book....lying by a bag of marijuana. Tim snatched it out of my sight and ordered me out. I grabbed the book and the boys and charged out with fury and tears. I rushed to where my mom worked, the library at a middle school. As we passed by the front office, the ladies wanted to see the boys to gush about how cute they were. I tried to have a smile plastered on my face and let small talk tumble out of my mouth, but as soon as we could get down the hallway to the library, the tears were threatening again. By the time I reached the library, I was bawling, so my mom rushed us to the back room, where I poured out the fury, pain, and frustration at having my husband's dangerous selfishness smack me right in the face. My mom calmly asked what I wanted to do, and for the first time, I declared that for the sake of my kids, I wanted a divorce. She pulled out the phone book and her check book, and we had an appointment with an attorney by day's end.
I still felt guilty about being the one to file, although I knew it was just a waiting game with Tim...he had been waiting for me to be 'the filer,' so that I could be the bad guy. Within a few days, a friend from church confided in my mom, then gave my mom permission to tell me, that she was so relieved I was divorcing Tim--for over a month, he had been dating one of her neighbors, and had even started staying the nights with her. My friend was furious with him and had actually told him off, but she wasn't sure how to let me know. Other instances began happening, where people would share things about Tim's behavior and actions that had been bugging them, but they didn't know how to tell me. I appreciate that they didn't want to feel as if they were gossiping or didn't want to hurt me...but the truth helped me know that I was saving my children from a criminal and a cheater.
"Jesus said, 'If you hold to my teaching,
you are really my disciples.
Then you will know the truth,
and the truth will set you free'.” John 8:31-32
you are really my disciples.
Then you will know the truth,
and the truth will set you free'.” John 8:31-32
I really didn't wish Tim any harm, and I still hoped (and hope) for him to return to the professions of faith I'd heard him proclaim. I filed for sole custody, however, for the protection of our children. Tim didn't fight for custody, and actually left town before our case went to court, leaving behind unpaid loans and a broken business lease, among other things. On the day of court, my lawyer had me wait outside of the courtroom, saying he'd call me in if need be. Less than ten minutes later, he came out with the news that I was the sole custodian of the children.
It was now time for me to think long-term...I returned to college, got a teaching degree, and began a career that would support my sons and I. Those preparation years were fairly uneventful, with me attending school, raising the boys, and volunteering as a youth sponsor with the youth group at church. There was, however, one October afternoon in 1993 that does stand out.....
It was now time for me to think long-term...I returned to college, got a teaching degree, and began a career that would support my sons and I. Those preparation years were fairly uneventful, with me attending school, raising the boys, and volunteering as a youth sponsor with the youth group at church. There was, however, one October afternoon in 1993 that does stand out.....
Crossroads
"This is what the LORD says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls..." Jeremiah 6:16
It was decision-time. Tim was sending what I called his 'prison letters,' basically saying that I'd been right all along, he'd been living wrong, wanted to get right with God, begging me not to turn my back on him, etc. These were things I had been longing to hear from him for a couple of years, but I doubted the sincerity because of his circumstances. In the meantime, there were several people who were telling me 'now's your chance to get out!' I was in the middle of these conflicting messages and didn't know what to do. I went to a counselor who didn't tell me what to do, she simply pointed out that either choice had its merits, and while I didn't know if Tim was truly genuine or not, if I didn't give him a chance to prove himself, I'd never know. I decided to give him that chance. After his two-month-long prison time, he was released to be on parole in Kansas. My relatives in California picked him up when he was released and paid for his plane ticket back to Kansas. They, too, were willing to give him a chance, and literally put their money where their hearts were!
When Tim returned to Kansas, he became very active in our church. Most of the members also were willing to give him a chance to prove if he'd truly changed, and he became quite busy helping with special projects, assisting in classes, lending a hand to church members when they needed something...unfortunately, none of this behavior showed up in our home. Often I would be left solving some sort of problem at our house while Tim rushed out to solve someone else's problem. I didn't know who to talk to about this, because I was happy for those who had given him a chance, so I kept my feeling that he was doing these things as a 'show' to myself. It was hard seeing him talk nicely to people, offering to help, then having him withdraw and act differently at home.
Our second son was born, and I hoped this would turn Tim's attention toward home and family, but it didn't. Over the course of the next few months, he kept up the practice of being gone a lot, and also decided to start a sign-making business without consulting me. Financial worry piled on top of feeling lonely and unimportant finally pushed me to try to explain how I felt and what I needed. I asked Tim if we could try to rebuild and strengthen our marriage and go through counseling to help us. He didn't take it well, basically telling me I could go to counseling alone, and that once I got myself fixed we'd be fine. He decided to move out and live in the business space he was renting.
Aside from asking me to bring the boys by his business once in awhile, we lived separate lives. He stopped coming to church, and some people acted uncomfortable around me. I thought it was because they thought I'd done something wrong, but later I found out it was because they'd started suspecting that Tim was putting on a show, too. I also discovered that unbeknownst to me, he had borrowed money from a couple of families in the church, as well as having one member of the church co-sign for a business loan. As I found out more and more of what he'd been up to, I felt horrible and hoped that these families realized I knew nothing of these transactions! While still hoping for some sort of reconciliation, I had a growing sense of dread, once again, about how little I knew my husband.
It was decision-time. Tim was sending what I called his 'prison letters,' basically saying that I'd been right all along, he'd been living wrong, wanted to get right with God, begging me not to turn my back on him, etc. These were things I had been longing to hear from him for a couple of years, but I doubted the sincerity because of his circumstances. In the meantime, there were several people who were telling me 'now's your chance to get out!' I was in the middle of these conflicting messages and didn't know what to do. I went to a counselor who didn't tell me what to do, she simply pointed out that either choice had its merits, and while I didn't know if Tim was truly genuine or not, if I didn't give him a chance to prove himself, I'd never know. I decided to give him that chance. After his two-month-long prison time, he was released to be on parole in Kansas. My relatives in California picked him up when he was released and paid for his plane ticket back to Kansas. They, too, were willing to give him a chance, and literally put their money where their hearts were!
When Tim returned to Kansas, he became very active in our church. Most of the members also were willing to give him a chance to prove if he'd truly changed, and he became quite busy helping with special projects, assisting in classes, lending a hand to church members when they needed something...unfortunately, none of this behavior showed up in our home. Often I would be left solving some sort of problem at our house while Tim rushed out to solve someone else's problem. I didn't know who to talk to about this, because I was happy for those who had given him a chance, so I kept my feeling that he was doing these things as a 'show' to myself. It was hard seeing him talk nicely to people, offering to help, then having him withdraw and act differently at home.
Our second son was born, and I hoped this would turn Tim's attention toward home and family, but it didn't. Over the course of the next few months, he kept up the practice of being gone a lot, and also decided to start a sign-making business without consulting me. Financial worry piled on top of feeling lonely and unimportant finally pushed me to try to explain how I felt and what I needed. I asked Tim if we could try to rebuild and strengthen our marriage and go through counseling to help us. He didn't take it well, basically telling me I could go to counseling alone, and that once I got myself fixed we'd be fine. He decided to move out and live in the business space he was renting.
Aside from asking me to bring the boys by his business once in awhile, we lived separate lives. He stopped coming to church, and some people acted uncomfortable around me. I thought it was because they thought I'd done something wrong, but later I found out it was because they'd started suspecting that Tim was putting on a show, too. I also discovered that unbeknownst to me, he had borrowed money from a couple of families in the church, as well as having one member of the church co-sign for a business loan. As I found out more and more of what he'd been up to, I felt horrible and hoped that these families realized I knew nothing of these transactions! While still hoping for some sort of reconciliation, I had a growing sense of dread, once again, about how little I knew my husband.
Prayer Chain Gang
"...And not only do they become idlers, but also gossips and busybodies, saying things they ought not to." 1 Timothy 5:13
Tim got extradited to California, and I moved back with my parents, right around the time the "Local Man Arrested For Using False Name" article appeared on the front page of the paper. Then the phone calls began...I heard from people I hadn't talked to since high school and from people I didn't really even know! They all started with small talk, then worked up to the 'what in the world is going on with what I read in the paper' angle, wrapping up with the promises of prayers and keeping in touch. I'm not saying that every person who called was insincere, but the intrusive conversations did wear a little thin, and usually once they got the story, the callers didn't call back. I finally stopped accepting calls, and my parents were gracious screeners. Who knows how many similar conversations they suffered as well?!
I must commend my church family...during this crazy, unusual, small-town-gossip-inviting time, most of the people just quietly helped my son, parents, sisters, and I. They didn't pry, question, or intrude, just supported. Love in action.
Tim got extradited to California, and I moved back with my parents, right around the time the "Local Man Arrested For Using False Name" article appeared on the front page of the paper. Then the phone calls began...I heard from people I hadn't talked to since high school and from people I didn't really even know! They all started with small talk, then worked up to the 'what in the world is going on with what I read in the paper' angle, wrapping up with the promises of prayers and keeping in touch. I'm not saying that every person who called was insincere, but the intrusive conversations did wear a little thin, and usually once they got the story, the callers didn't call back. I finally stopped accepting calls, and my parents were gracious screeners. Who knows how many similar conversations they suffered as well?!
I must commend my church family...during this crazy, unusual, small-town-gossip-inviting time, most of the people just quietly helped my son, parents, sisters, and I. They didn't pry, question, or intrude, just supported. Love in action.
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