Crossroads

"This is what the LORD says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls..." Jeremiah 6:16

It was decision-time. Tim was sending what I called his 'prison letters,' basically saying that I'd been right all along, he'd been living wrong, wanted to get right with God, begging me not to turn my back on him, etc. These were things I had been longing to hear from him for a couple of years, but I doubted the sincerity because of his circumstances. In the meantime, there were several people who were telling me 'now's your chance to get out!' I was in the middle of these conflicting messages and didn't know what to do. I went to a counselor who didn't tell me what to do, she simply pointed out that either choice had its merits, and while I didn't know if Tim was truly genuine or not, if I didn't give him a chance to prove himself, I'd never know. I decided to give him that chance. After his two-month-long prison time, he was released to be on parole in Kansas. My relatives in California picked him up when he was released and paid for his plane ticket back to Kansas. They, too, were willing to give him a chance, and literally put their money where their hearts were!

When Tim returned to Kansas, he became very active in our church. Most of the members also were willing to give him a chance to prove if he'd truly changed, and he became quite busy helping with special projects, assisting in classes, lending a hand to church members when they needed something...unfortunately, none of this behavior showed up in our home. Often I would be left solving some sort of problem at our house while Tim rushed out to solve someone else's problem. I didn't know who to talk to about this, because I was happy for those who had given him a chance, so I kept my feeling that he was doing these things as a 'show' to myself. It was hard seeing him talk nicely to people, offering to help, then having him withdraw and act differently at home.

Our second son was born, and I hoped this would turn Tim's attention toward home and family, but it didn't. Over the course of the next few months, he kept up the practice of being gone a lot, and also decided to start a sign-making business without consulting me. Financial worry piled on top of feeling lonely and unimportant finally pushed me to try to explain how I felt and what I needed. I asked Tim if we could try to rebuild and strengthen our marriage and go through counseling to help us. He didn't take it well, basically telling me I could go to counseling alone, and that once I got myself fixed we'd be fine. He decided to move out and live in the business space he was renting.

Aside from asking me to bring the boys by his business once in awhile, we lived separate lives. He stopped coming to church, and some people acted uncomfortable around me. I thought it was because they thought I'd done something wrong, but later I found out it was because they'd started suspecting that Tim was putting on a show, too. I also discovered that unbeknownst to me, he had borrowed money from a couple of families in the church, as well as having one member of the church co-sign for a business loan. As I found out more and more of what he'd been up to, I felt horrible and hoped that these families realized I knew nothing of these transactions! While still hoping for some sort of reconciliation, I had a growing sense of dread, once again, about how little I knew my husband.